Perhaps

I often joke that my son's temper is of Eastern European Decent.  Inside I know that to be a fallacy.   Perhaps it has been said that my rage needs attention.    

And perhaps, PERHAPS, there is an element of truth in that.  But it's not as if it is going unnoticed by me, or fed.  Is it healthy for me?  Certainly not.  Does is live and breathe in me normally?  Absolutely.  Is it at a critical point that could become, well, undesirable?

When I was young my favorite TV show/Superhero was The Hulk.  I would play, quietly, until someone would comment about "What a nice boy" then I would turn, growl, flex, and try to show how bad ass I was for a 6 year old.  You're jealous.

Suppose it is possible that it's no accident how the green fella and I came to find one another.  I have certainly become less reactive in the last 5 years.  Do I still worry that I could turn lizard-like without warning, I wouldn't say I was worried.  

It helps to know my limits.  Nominations are coming this month and I intend to resign as the President of the non profit I sit on.  I had a curious lunch date today, where an employee from that organization came to me and asked that I help with the ED who has, reportedly, got a huge need for either an attitude adjustment, or retirement.  The whole time I sat there listening, I just wanted to throw my plate, yell out "Who gives a fuck?!?" All I could think about was my dad, and how bad I wanted to have lunch with him.  To talk about fun things, or life, or anything other than the shit that seems to be swarming around me.  I told her I can't help her (seems to be a common theme for the past 3 weeks, and informed her of that little memory I have), that it's all I can do right now to keep myself together.  I've done my part.  MORE than my part.  I moved them.  I tried to move the board.  I give up.  I'm done.  Not just with that organization, but with mental health completely.  I've really reached my limit, not of what I'm capable of, no no no.  My cape still has a lot of life left in it.  But not in this current climate, location, for these people.  They've had all of me that they're going to get, baring a life-altering miracle.

After we ate we shared some info about my dad's last few days that I hadn't had a chance to tell her about.  It was good to get it out, but she immediately told me a story about when her mom died.  Not her fault, that's what everyone has done.  Erin wouldn't have done that, but I can't talk to Erin anymore.  There's yet another recurring theme.

Think I'll go finish my drink.  Who knows, perhaps I'll actually sleep through the night.  PERHAPS.